Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Dear Carl...

Carl is a jackass, but of course everyone knows that.

If Carl's ass had a name, it'd be named Jack. The JACk for his car is a pain in the ASS to use. He of course likes JACK cheese (which smells like ass), has many JACKets, and never uses wifi-he likes his internet via a JACK. When Carl grows up, he wants to be an ASStronaut, own a JACKal, JACKknife semi-trucks for a living, and open up a restaurant called International House of JACKASS.

Finally, if Carl were an ice cream, he'd be vanilla ice cream with hard gummy bears and swirling bits of JACKASS.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Prequel to the Mayan Apocolypse

June is really just January 2.o since many of us young guns are pressing the reset button on our lives from another semester of school. Instead of New Year's resolutions, there are summer reading lists and summer reading-on-the-sh**ter lists. Instead of feeble attempts to lose weight, we are making half-assed attempts to plant gardens or go jogging (pronounced with a silent j).

The point of resolutions or "fresh starts" in general is straightforward: put in the work early and steadily so that one can achieve those goals that have been smoldering on the back burner for years. But resolutions in 2012 are not like resolutions of Januarys and Junes past. 2012 is an Olympic year, but more importantly, it's also an Apocolypse year. The Mayan Apocolypse is just around the corner.

The resolutions you set this summer should be treated as if it's your last summer on earth because chances are, it will be your last summer on earth. The Mayans not only made precise calendars, they also invented digital watches, wrote the screenplay for the movie "In Time", wrote the song "Time", and coined the phrase "time flies when you're having fun." Since the Apocolypse is scheduled two weeks before Christmas, we might as well celebrate JC's birth in August when there aren't any holidays to begin with. Please suggest appropriate weekends in the comment section so that we can all be on the same page. And don't forget to make end-of-life resolutions this week. Finally, don't call it your "bucket list". I never said anything about buckets and the previews for that movie looked annoying.