Monday, February 4, 2013

Super-Sethoughts on the Most Disgusting Sunday of the Year

Superbowl Sundays embody the fat American in all of us. Actually, just the males expose their gluttony. Example: my girlfriend Emily drove back to Great Falls from Kalispell shortly after the kickoff. She called me up by chance just seconds after the game ended and was surprised it had lasted so long. I explained the power outage and how brother-related-coaching games take on average 34 minutes longer than no relation games. In the time that she spent driving, I sat in front of a tv for 4 hours and ate insane amounts of chips, dip, and cookies broken up with soda and beer breaks. For many of us, Sundays are a time for fusing our bodies to a couch and at any particular Super Bowl party one can usually pick out the guests who watch one full NFL game once a year. These people congregate in the kitchen, cheer for the cute animal commercials, and are the first to leave. Here are some Sethoughts on the game:

The Sandy Hook choir that sang "America the Beautiful" was initially touching, but once I thought it over, I vehemently hated it. It left a sour taste in my mouth, not because of "the NFL is a violent sport and they're hypocrites" argument. I hated it because there were 26 members to honor the "20 children and 6 teachers killed". Seriously? Do fourteen-year-old girls run CBS now? Should they have the kickoff from the 15 yrd line in honor of the AR-15 that he used? A moment of silence would have been an appropriate activity, not some bullshit exhibition where traumatized kids are propped up like soldiers to stare down evil that may or may not be watching. The choir was meant to show unity and a sense of perseverance over the unfair and complex problem that is gun violence. But really, no one will care or remember by next week. How about a 3 minute TED talk on ways of dealing with mental health? Why not open up a real dialogue instead of presenting a happy distraction? There were 114 million f###ing TVs tuned in, that's the best we can do?

Alicia Keys sang the anthem in 2:35 which was over the 2:15 line in case anyone had money on that prop.

The 49ers 1st play was a 20 yard pass that was called back by a penalty. Their play calling stalled the rest of the drive. This was exactly how the rest of the game played out for them: move the ball without scoring a lot of points and act as unprepared as possible.

Loved the Oreo commercial, hated The Lone Ranger promos or as I called it "Pirates of the Caribbean in the Desert"

Beyonce killed it at halftime. Our living room erupted when Destiny's Child spawn-bursted on the stage and when Beyonce sang 'Halo'. The multiple background CGI-beyonces were also trippy.

The blackout was fun-if you're into that kind of thing, I guess. It was the most watched most boringest half hour of tv. The CBS crew had five minutes of material that they basically put on repeat. They should have had Dr. Phil and the Manti T'eo-Tuiasosopo-Dead girlfriend love triangle on in case of emergency. I'm still waiting for ESPN to publish a headline that says: "T'eo sexted with online 'girlfriend', but qualifies it with stating "No Homo".

The blackout ended and the real game began. It seemed as though the first half was played in 2012 and the 49ers would dominate as everyone first predicted.

Kaepernick averaged 8.9 yards a carry but only had 5 attempts? What took them so long to do this when Gore continually ran into a brick wall in the middle? Also a hurry-up offense would be nice.

The officiating in the final minutes of any game is weird. Why is there an unwritten rule to "let them play" in the 4th quarter? Shouldn't 4th quarter penalties be reviewed like catches and turnovers in the final two minutes of games?

After the game ended I felt nauseous and bloated. I bet I wasn't the only one.