The Prequel to the Mayan Apocolypse

June is really just January 2.o since many of us young guns are pressing the reset button on our lives from another semester of school. Instead of New Year's resolutions, there are summer reading lists and summer reading-on-the-sh**ter lists. Instead of feeble attempts to lose weight, we are making half-assed attempts to plant gardens or go jogging (pronounced with a silent j).

The point of resolutions or "fresh starts" in general is straightforward: put in the work early and steadily so that one can achieve those goals that have been smoldering on the back burner for years. But resolutions in 2012 are not like resolutions of Januarys and Junes past. 2012 is an Olympic year, but more importantly, it's also an Apocolypse year. The Mayan Apocolypse is just around the corner.

The resolutions you set this summer should be treated as if it's your last summer on earth because chances are, it will be your last summer on earth. The Mayans not only made precise calendars, they also invented digital watches, wrote the screenplay for the movie "In Time", wrote the song "Time", and coined the phrase "time flies when you're having fun." Since the Apocolypse is scheduled two weeks before Christmas, we might as well celebrate JC's birth in August when there aren't any holidays to begin with. Please suggest appropriate weekends in the comment section so that we can all be on the same page. And don't forget to make end-of-life resolutions this week. Finally, don't call it your "bucket list". I never said anything about buckets and the previews for that movie looked annoying.

F#%@in' Turner

My esteemed running colleagues and I wanted to go running at 3:00 P.M. Mountain Standard Time, but nooooo, Jake (F#%@in) Turner wants the group to wait until 3:05. Someone has forgotten their place on the team. We, the seniors, control Monday practice times. You, the freshie, control when you eat, sleep, and poop. All other decisions should be deferred to upperclassmen.

Run of Shame

I hop into my SmartCar

Heading to the R bar,

Slingin' out one-liners,

And duckin' from the minors

They be checkin' out my tank-top,

Fohawk, and all my bobs to hip-hop,

Now girl get your things, were gonna make this night a stand,

And I'm sayin right now I won't be a loving man,

Cuz

Imma

Gonna make ya

Do the Run of Shame

My pad aint near a gas station, a highway,

the road doesn't even have a name.

It's thir-teen miles in any direction,

And I hope you don't mind this minor complication

Now you may have done the walk of shame,

But baby imma a runner, so you be playin' my game,

You shoudda paid more attention as we crossed the county line,

You said you liked to jog on Sundays, so I figured you be fine,

I'd drive you myself, but I usually skimp on gas,

So get on out that door or you'll be late to class,

Cuz

Imma

Gonna make ya

Do the Run of Shame

My pad aint near a gas station, a highway,

the road doesn't even have a name.

It's thir-teen miles in any direction,

And I hope you don't mind this minor complication

As runner myself, I passed you at mile five,

You flipped me the bird to signal you're alive,

It aint my fault you're runnin in a skirt,

All I had on me was an extra t-shirt,

So I put on a smile and said see ya lata alligator,

Let me know if you need any extra toilet paper,

Cuz

Imma

Gonna make ya

Do the Run of Shame

My pad aint near a gas station, a highway,

the road doesn't even have a name.

It's thir-teen miles in any direction,

And I hope you don't mind this minor complication

Summer Hummer

Ladies and gentelmen I've come with a lesson,
You be the priest and I'll be confessin',
These aint about my sins, I've been watchin all of you,
You're hatin' on my game, it's all you do,

You haters think you're fly,
With knee-socks and a headband,
But wait, no one gives a sh**, cuz you got no fans,
That's right, now go away, except you Dan,

And I be runnnin that mile,
Workin for Kennedy,
Keepin my sanity,
Checkin out MILFs and hangin with Lyle,
These are my days, my nights, my summer,
And if I stay loyal, imma get that Hummer.

When I ran Whitefish, they treat me like a minor,
And I said FORGET YOU and a rude one-liner,
I got a line of babes, waitin' to get in,
To the Sethda Express,
Where it's buffets and good times, expect no less,
Then I be hittin' the road, preppin for tests

And I be runnnin that mile,
Workin for Kennedy,
Keepin my sanity,
Checkin out MILFs and hangin with Lyle,
These are my days, my nights, my summer,
And if I stay loyal, imma get that Hummer.

My 'rents sold the house, they're movin' south,
And I'm comin' to Bozeman spreadin' word-of-mouth,
Let's all get runnin, let's all get some sun in,
Cuz we got season in September,
And I hope you all remember,
That you aint gettin' nowhere with a negative 'tude,
Just ask Kevin, sometimes he's rude

But it's pretty neat that ya'll are bloggin,
I wish I could stay, but imma soon be joggin,
Here comes the chorus, use that noggin,

And I be runnnin that mile,
Workin for Kennedy,
Keepin my sanity,
Checkin out MILFs and hangin with Lyle,
These are my days, my nights, my summer,
And if I stay loyal, imma get that Hummer.

What the French Toast?

Seriously, what the french toast?! I leave the country for 5 months and now all of a sudden the cross country team has ballooned to the size of a K-12 school! Why is Justin Bieber running? Why are we running on Alaskan time? How the f### are Carl and Pat still captains?



I quit.

Friends With Benefits

I was listening to the radio the other day on my daily commute to Costco when I heard an advertisement for the upcoming movie, "Friends with Benefits. I caught the tail-end of the ad, but the gist of it was that sometimes friends can be more than just friends. They can be friends with benefits. I assume "benefits" refers to some sort of intangible set of qualities that puts that friend a head above the rest. The one friend that comes to mind for me is Annelise.

Annelise and I are "friends with benefits" because she and I have the benefit of having a friendship without the work. From an outsider's perspective, Annelise and I probably don't look like friends because we don't have to behave like friends without benefits.

For example, most friends post on each other's walls for their birthdays. Annelise and I are such good friends that we have the benefit of skipping that exchange of internet pablum.

The worst part of having a serious friendship is having extensive time commitments together. One minute it's just a few hours longer than normal, and then all of a sudden your weekends, holidays and vacations are sucked up into the friend vacuum. Annelise and I made a deal up front that we would only hang out as friends when we wanted to, which as it turns out, was a surprisingly little amount of time.

Some friends talk on a daily basis and ask questions like, "How was your day?" or "Why can't you keep your hands off my boyfriend, b****? Annelise and I don't even bother acknowledging one another. We mainly communicate through a series of blinking, arm scratching, and coughs.

Ever since Adam and Eve, friendships have been weighed down by hours of boring conversation and endless commitments. That's why friends with benefits is so much better. It's like choosing store bought cookies over homemade; no work, no worries, no sweat.

The Road Race to End All Road Races

I participated in the 2011 Whitefish Lake Run and it will unfortunately be my last. Not because my parents are moving to Albuquerque, not because I'll will be done with college running by next spring, but because it was the most unprofessional road race I've ever attended. I came into the race physically bruised and I left the race emotionally broken....

After some gibbosity in my right knee in the week leading up to the race, I was up in the air on my decision to race the night before. I talked in circles with G-unit (my Mom) and she bowed out after two "why don't you's" in. I lined up at the starting line alongside a myriad of road race regulars; there were the "happy and matching t-shirt families", washed-up high school athletes, ultra-marathoners who were using the 5k as their speed workout, and even the Vibram Five Finger "my-form-is-better-than-yours" snobs.

I amassed a considerable lead on 2nd place runner after five minutes. The race was well run up to that point. And then...it showed its true colors.

The water station was a good three feet off the main road, to the point where runners would have to stop to get a cup of water. There were no gorgeous cheerleaders lining the sidewalks and chanting my name. There were arrows sprayed on the roads to guide the runners, but some critical intersections were not stationed by volunteers and so I did not run on the assigned 5k route.

I ran where I thought the route was; no one told me differently and the reality of my perception became clear when I crossed the not-typically-fast race in 14:22.

I wish I could tell you all that I ran a 14:22 that day, but it would be a lie, so I confessed my error and the race official mumbled something about disqualifying my time. My time. I understood this to be a mea culpa of sorts and that I would still be awarded 1st place. When the results were announced, however, I was not mentioned. It was if I had never raced at all.

And so I bid good day to the incompetent staff of the 2011 Whitefish Lake Run. May you find more than 3 volunteers for 2012.